59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.
I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.
Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.
The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.
The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.
Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.
Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.
Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.
I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!
There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.
Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.
When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.
Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.
A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.
If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
