I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.
I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.
We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right
Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.
Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?
My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.
The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.
I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs.
Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.
I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.
I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.
I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.
How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?
As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.
The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.
I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.
One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?
Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.
