Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.
As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.
I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.
We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.
Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.
Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!
There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.
Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.
I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.
I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.
Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
Why do old people drive with their mouths open?
Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.
I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.
