It's the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.
I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.
I'm interested in doing anything and everything that I can to squeeze the creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm kind of a performance rat, that's what I want to do, I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. I just love putting creativity into a performance.
Start each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH....and then a lil' angel flies out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful!'.
I have faith in all mankind. Well,not faith really, more like hopeful suspicion. And not "all" but 5 people. Mankind meaning computers.
When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."
I'm going to hell, ah... but you're laughing, so you're coming.
I was very good at kickball ... I was wonderful at ah doing that kick and your leg goes up and your shoe went on top of the school
My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.
I'm in a new club, by the way. And I don't know if you're first timers like I am, but I'm in the 'I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss' Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. I'm on the phone and I forget that I'm using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as I'm standing there, mid-conversation, I'm like 'Are you serious?' and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest.
If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win.
I can't relate to the idea of suicide. I guess I'm just one of those people that is always optimistic and upbeat. But one day, I sat down. I said 'You know what? Just to kind of purge myself, I want to see what its like to feel that low'. So I decided to write a suicide note. Yeah, just to kinda flush it out there and put it on a page. And I started to do this, and I had an epiphany. I'll share this with you: a suicide note that is written by somebody that is not suicidal is called an autobiography. I am on Chapter 58.
I won't take no for a question.
You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.
Sometimes the only solution is figuring out a bigger problem to focus on.
If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.
I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.
My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.
People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.
I'm curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth.
I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.
I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.
Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.
In the year 3000, everything will be instant.
Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, 'Let's have some yum yums!' You would get in line - you would jump in the line - and you would go up and get the crouton O'Christ.
