Daniel Tosh Quotes - Page 7

Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I; that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.

Even people who don't believe in science still have to believe in gravity.

I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.

I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower.

I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.

I think pro-athletes should be forced to use steroids. I think we as fans deserve the greatest athletes science can create! Lets go! Anything that will make you run faster, jump higher! I have High-Definition TV! I want my athletes like my video games! Lets go! I could care less if you die at 40. You hate life after sports anyways. I'm doing you a favor.

Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.

Until I see proof of this reincarnation or cloning, I'm gonna live up this life. That was kinda the path I took. But I fulfilled my obligations.

I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.

I guess it could be seen as a form of rebellion, but (my dad) is pretty supportive. He's knows I'm just an idiot, so I think that softens it a little bit.

By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it.

No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.

I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.

My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.

Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'

There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.

The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.

Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.

I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.

I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!

Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.

It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.