Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that's like, 'I'm going to keep you warm.' It's like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson - the perfect pressure.
I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.
Every year on my birthday I get a small dash on my inner thigh where my balls currently hang. You can't tell me that's not going to be a beautiful work of art when it's finished. My grandkids are playing with my balls, they can't figure it out. They're like, 'What are these things?' I'm like, 'It's your future, read the chart.' They don't stop growing; they're like earlobes. That joke was inspired by a door that wasn't locked when I was 11.
High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose.
If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane.
I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.
It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
Making a good music video isn't easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of '16 and Pregnant,' which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.
I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.
I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
You don't gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you're about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, would you like some road head?
Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.
The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships; it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.
Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.
I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.
Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?
I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.
One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.
Sure I may look adjusted, but I can't function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.
It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!
I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.
