When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart.
The most important part of any CrossFit workout is posting about it endlessly on social media. How about you just brag about all the kettlebell burpees you did to the other whackos in your cult?
I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
It's funny... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one thing... the line you are not to cross.
I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.
I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
The hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a 'famous person'.
Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.
I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
I'll do anything usually if there's money involved and little work.
I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave.
You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.
Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think "how can you make a joke about this?"
I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check.
If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
I mean my goal is to get Michael Richards to do stand up at the Laugh Factory to an all black audience.
Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago - that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka.
The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.
Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.
Scattergories is second base for Christians.
I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
