Daniel Tosh Quotes - Page 8

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.

It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.

Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.

Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.”

If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.

You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, "you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun."

I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.

Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.

e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.

I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.

Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.

I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?

You are a sick freak who should be beaten.

I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.

People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.

I can say that. I have a television show.

I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.

I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities.

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.