Emo Philips Quotes about Funny - Page 2

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.