Greg Giraldo Quotes - Page 2

I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.

On a day-to-day basis, you get tired of waiting to be accepted. In show business, someone else has to say that you're good or that you're worth going to see or worth taping a show. There's a lot of pain here. There's a lot of pain inside. I'm a sad, crying-on-the-inside kind of clown.

Look at Thomas Jefferson. The guy had illegitimate kids in the 1700s, and they caught him last year. If you cheat on your wife and cover it up for 200 years, you're pretty much thinking you're home free.

Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a girl, do we keep her?

Little did I know that earning a living at stand-up is the hardest thing you can do. But once I started doing it, I just loved it, and I realized that I was actually kinda good at it, and then that was it.

You think they could stop putting these experts on the news with their doomsday scenarios of how the terrorists might attack us? Because you get the sense they're coming up with ideas that these people haven't thought of themselves.

A good joke provides tension, and then, release of that tension. You build the tension by saying things that are controversial. The release is the laugh. The bigger the surprise or insight in your joke, the bigger the laugh.

You got a cop under five feet tall, what if he's gotta plant evidence on a high shelf? What then? What if he's gotta chase a suspect onto a ride at Disneyland?

Some people say Larry the Cable Guy's only successful because he's pandering to the lowest common denominator, blatantly and not ironically exploiting people's racist and homophobic tendencies. Don't listen to these people, Larry. They're just bitter and jealous and right.

It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.

We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?

There hasn't been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank.

Some people are just really goofy kind of guitar acts, and they go out and do these colleges and start making a fortune pretty early on. And other people - I know guys who are great comics, who've done the Letterman show many times, who still barely pay their bills.

A dangerous fire retardant chemical is being found in women's breast milk. My wife's breastfeeding, but you know, you gotta be an optimist. I'm like, well, maybe it's making my child fireproof.

Edible underwear?... even during sex, we can't stop eating.

It's hard to distinguish when I was actually struggling from when I only felt like I was struggling - which was pretty much always.

The reality is I'm not a 'get knocked down and come back harder' kind of guy.

If you spend five minutes with me or watch me try to balance my checkbook, you can only imagine the disaster I would make of anyone's legal issues.

Jesse has opened for me extensively on the road so I’ve seen him do hundreds of sets. He is always super funny, has tons of material and the crowds love him. Bottom line, Jesse Joyce is a great comedian.

There are more whipped guys on television than there were on the Amistad.

Joke stealing is a big deal to me, but I mean, I'm not going to investigate it if it doesn't effect me directly.

The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that's self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or cool, that doesn't do it for me either. You just try to be funny.

How many of you text message? It's a great way of not communicating.

The reality is I'm not this person with this driving 'get it done' attitude.

When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with my prairie dog was the best way to avoid diseases.