The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.
The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet.
When I masturbate I fantasize about having my own apartment. I used to think about Cindy Crawford now I think about leaving a dish in the sink overnight.
If I drive my SUV I'm supporting terrorism. Okay, I'll take a taxi, Is that better?
Why do we need another station where everyone has a gun? We already have BET.
Gilbert Gottfried is famously cheap. I'm impressed you're here Gilbert. You gotta buy new clothes and take a week off work just to do this. But you showed up. You tightened your belt and you came. You're like David Carradine.
If they [peple] really hate you, that means you're doing something right.
If being a gangster were a prerequisite to being a musician, there'd be a lot less cello music, for example.
Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.
Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA. You know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through.
Ice-T is so old that the first thing he bought with the money from his album sales was his freedom.
"You're an old man who dresses like a Hooter's waitress."
The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.
