Jimmy Carr Quotes about Funny

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it