Jimmy Carr Quotes

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

Say what you want about the deaf.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.

When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?

Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.