Jimmy Carr Quotes about Funny - Page 2

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'