When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.
A hotel mini bar allows you to see what a can of Pepsi will cost in twenty years.
The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
Women say they want a man who knows what a woman's worth. That's a pimp.
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.
As an American, I'd like to apologize - for everything.
The first time I came to the Comedy Festival some nutcase shot a bunch of people in Tasmania. I thought, 'Oh, that's just Tasmania.' The second time I came, some nut shot up Columbine High School. Now I'm here again, and another nut just shot up a high school in Minnesota. If you can't see the connection between me playing the Comedy Festival and mass murder, you're no good at conspiracy theories.
In Montana, a policeman will pull you over because he is lonely.
Manhandling the open here spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the illegal side.
The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long.
Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line.
Foxes are rats in expensive coats. What are foxes associated with? Evil, wily, conniving, duplicitous, Fox News - worst news service on the planet and the evilest.
A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice.
The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters.
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
FOOVIEW (foo' view) n. The ability of a dog to inflict guilt from any angle in the room while he watches his master eat.
The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
Ignisecond, n.: The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises).
