Politics has become infused with narcissism in America.
Once you learn how to make people laugh, then you get to choose exactly how you want to make them laugh.
Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we're just saying it's a little bit weird you didn't have to.
Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back.
Southern people are bigger-hearted and kinder than I had any right to expect.
Pumpkin spice lattes are egg nog for morning people.
There are some people who watch NASCAR for the highly skilled driving - but most people watch it for the crashes.
The poverty line is like the age of consent: if you find yourself parsing exactly where it is, you’ve probably already done something very, very wrong.
If you want to do something evil, put it inside something boring.
I feel more at home knowing I'm not really at home. It takes all the pressure off you trying to fit in!
I care about facts the way I care about oxygen and imbibing enough water a day to live.
When you're dealing with serious subjects, there is a pressure to be absolutely sure that you know what you're doing.
I guess the tone of jokes is often, at best, irreverent, but it always comes from a place of deep love.
I think puns are not just the lowest form of wit, but the lowest form of human behavior.
Sometimes it's good to remember how bad food can be, so you can enjoy the concept of flavour to the fullest.
I'm British; pessimism is my wheelhouse.
The British media is sinking down, as the American news media has lowered the bar for all of humanity. British news media is definitely trying to stoop down to that level. Everyone is stooping to the lowest common denominator.
The disconnect between America and its military is shocking.
The moment I accept that there's an artistic, redeeming quality in puns, I have a horrible feeling I'll get hooked.
I do one accent - my own. I can make it louder or quieter. That is the sum total of my vocal range. I thought I could do an American accent until I tried it in front of an American - the expression of horror is still burnt onto my retinas.
If your name is Sepp, at the bare minimum you’ve strangled someone in a bar fight.
Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language's most offensive C-word.
I think Americans still can't help but respond to the natural authority of this voice. Deep down they long to be told what to do by a British accent. That's why so many infomercials have British people.
The only thing I'm nervous about is talking to guests like human beings, because all of my interviews so far have been attacking people. I have a genuine concern about sitting across from an actor whose movies I obviously haven't seen.
When I heard that Hitler had problems with flatulence, it's funny. What - does that make him a funny man? No. It means he had funny moments when his rear end was speaking louder than his mouth.
