When you do stand-up, you're just concerned with trying to leave with some semblance of human dignity at the end of your performance.
If you vote for Democrats, you might as well give Al Quaeda a death ray and a manual.
Veterans' issues are quite close to my heart. I find it quite hard to talk about, actually.
I know I'd be an absolutely horrendous politician.
When you're doing stand-up, you want to stand onstage and, to the extent that you can, uncomplicatedly entertain.
I don't know if there is some psychological thing of wanting to know where your doctor got his degree from before he comes into the medical room.
People in Britain see Richard Quest as a kind of an offensive cartoon character.
Teenagers falling off skateboards - funny. Nut shots - funny. Breaking wind - funny. The world cannot change those. Those three things are columns upon which humor is built.
By any rational metric, I am boring.
I was definitely prepared for it to be slower, and it has not worked out that way in any shape or form. I'm grateful as a comedian, and slightly demoralized, occasionally, as a human being - those two things are always very different.
I do not want to leave in [U.S.] ... I cannot make that clear enough to immigration authorities who may be listening to this interview. I don't want to leave, so please don't make me.
Do you know how hard it is to kill 30 million people? It's a logistical nightmare.
I think it might honestly be time for the Sunshine State to officially change its motto to the Worst State.
It really helps a comedian to be an outsider.
Politicians don't really bring up religion in England.
Attending a Sarah Palin rally was simultaneously one of the strangest and most chilling events of my life.
I really love stand-up. I'm more than happy to do it for nothing. I've come to America to do it for nothing. It's the American Dream: Work for free.
There are two kinds of hecklers: the destructive and constructive hecklers.
Wow. Losing 95 percent of your audience in just five years. That basically makes Obama the NBC of presidents.
Whatever the occasion, [the Queen] has a face which demonstrably says 'I don't give a royal s**t.'
I've always been interested in socially political, or overtly political, comedy.
I realize how desperate it sounds for me, as a comedian, to ask you to laugh at my jokes.
I'm not really much of an actor, so when I started on 'The Daily Show', I was just trying to adopt the faux authority of a newsperson.
I feel non-stop Brit shame!
The British press are a group of unremitting scumbags. And sometimes they use that scumbaggery to good ends, and often not.
