Having a human conversation is not something I've had any training in either as a comedian or as, you know, a human being.
If you’ve been here, in New York, it has been dominated by the UN General Assembly, the annual event where delegates come from all over the world to f*** up this city’s traffic.
I would much rather America was a more stable, wonderful place. You know, I love it.
British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death.
Americans just don't understand dry wit.
Welcome to The Daily Show, I'm John Oliver. Jon Stewart is still not here. He is currently living out a live-action Lord of the Rings role-playing experience deep in the New Zealand wilderness.
I think I'm just a summer fling that people will soon forget.
There's never any time I think I'm a real journalist, because I don't have any of the qualifications or the intentions for that.
If you’re asking me, would I have voted for Mitt Romney, the answer is absolutely not. Emphatically not. I cannot envision a world in which I would have voted for Mitt Romney unless I sustained a massive concussion.
Stand-up, for me, is really more of an addiction, so you have to feed the beast whenever you can.
People, I guess, generally come to see me do stand-up with a working knowledge of my broad sense of humor on The Daily Show ... I don't think anyone would mistake me as an actual anchor.
Here in America, people come out to see what they've known you to do. In England it's like everyone comes out to tell you exactly how well they think you're doing.
Sarah Palin has been hired back by Fox News, and she only left five months ago. She has now effectively quit quitting. She can't even commit to being uncommitted.
I have a green card now, but they can take that away, yeah, they can take that away at any moment. So please don't; please let me keep it.
I don't think I'm identified as the anchorman, I think I'm identified as the impostor anchorman - there's a very clear line there ... I don't think it changes the way they respond.
Net neutrality: The only two words that promise more boredom in the English language are 'featuring Sting,'
People are friendlier in New York than London.
When you've married someone who's been at war, there is nothing you can do that compares to that level of selflessness and bravery.
I watch one news channel until my soul can't take it anymore. It's the background of my life.
I wanted to be a soccer player. I knew that couldn't happen.
Stand-up comedy seems like a terrifying thing. Objectively. Before anyone has done it, it seems like one of the most frightening things you could conceive, and there's just no shortcut - you just have to do it.
I knew I was going to go into the field and make fun of people to their faces. I knew what I was getting into.
Armando Iannucci is one of my heroes. As I was growing up, he was probably the most influential comic voice that I had.
I did sketch comedy, but I never did improv. So I've just tried to learn as I go.
There are so many low points with stand-up. You are perpetually humiliated, so it doesn't really matter anymore. I don't have any dignity left to lose. An audience can’t hurt you anymore when you’ve been completely dismantled.
