It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
I love the way my weight fluctuates in the newspapers. It was 18 stone and then people look at a bad picture of me and add a few more stone on. I think the highest was 22 stone.
I trained to be a priest - started to. I went to seminary school when I was 11. I wanted to be a priest, but when they told me I could never have sex, not even on my birthday, I changed my mind.
The people on the QVC shopping channel convince me that life is worth living. They see the good in everything. People who go to counselling should actually go to a room with a QVC seller for half an hour and let them find the qualities within them. For example, they'd look at me and say, 'To anybody else this looks like a stomach but, actually, his feet never get wet in the rain.
I've spent lots of time in London, I studied in London, I like London. It's just not my home.
Being 'Johnny' was almost like an out of body experience. I thought he was just a character that I'd created and could quite easily step away from, but it was much more difficult than that.
I believe that Britain is becoming more class-conscious, and I quake at the very idea of Old Etonians ruling the world again.
If an original piece of wardrobe came up from Star Wars, I'd probably spend a lot of money on it.
I've got little ankles and a bit of a belly, so it makes me look rather an egg on legs.
I think it sort of dawns on you that if you're not gigging constantly you're not actually relevant. You may be relevant to a different part of the media now, to television commissioners and editors, but to a young live-comedy audience you're not, really.
Up North you are holding your own. Everyone considers themselves a comedian.
I also want to return to doing stand-up. I've become frightened of live audiences. This is a really telling sign that I need to go back on the comedy circuit again.
Some comics are in it for what they can get out of it. Others are in it for a love of comedy. I think those that are in it for a genuine love of comedy find each other within the circuit and become friends.
The idea of being on TV 24 hours a day and people seeing the real me... No.
I used to attract a lot of feeders. I'd be quite happy to be locked in someone's flat and fed liquidised burgers.
My forte is playing drunks down the ages. When my agent rings me about a role, I don't ask what the part is, but what century it's in.
I actually enjoy being heckled; it keeps it interesting, and I think it is a nice feeling for people once they have left the show.
I get obsessed with decorations and decorating the house. I keep it tasteful outside, but when you get inside it is a bit like Blackpool illuminations, I go bonkers!
It can be tough as a jobbing actor.
I had a massive amount of self-belief when I did stand-up.
I use very few muscles at the best of times.
You can sway an audience if you win the women over. The gentlemen will follow 'cause they can be so foolish like that at times, they are easily led.
With stand-up you've just got that one chance. Audiences can be quite fickle.
It's lovely being a parent and being in a strong marriage with somebody who is your best friend.
Comedy's so subjective, and if someone comes to watch, doesn't get it, doesn't find it funny, then fine.
