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I think the education system is great just the way it is. There's kids in my neighborhood in Los Angeles, seven years old, that can already speak fluent Spanish.
I'm on a strict running program. I started yesterday. I've only missed one day so far.
A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.
Never wear a red t-shirt to Target. I enjoy helping people, but not every two minutes.
Basically, I'm a people pleaser who has a knack for disappointing.
You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the person you're with.
Don't play dead with a vulture. That's exactly what they want.
Marriage is great. It'll calm you down - that and neutering.
I don't mind seeing two guys kissing, you know, as long as they're clean-shaven.
When I was very young, I didn't really write my own material. I just memorized other peoples' jokes. Established comics, like Stanley Myron Handelman and people like that. And then, for every comic, you develop your own style after a while.
I remember the first date I ever went out on. It was in high school. Her name was Marguerite. She was kind of a heavyset girl... I took her out on one date. We went out for dinner and a movie and a dinner.
I tried to read the Bible, I did, but it always felt like a much less awesome Lord of the Rings.
A whole generation of people that didn't know me from 'SNL' recognize me from 'Weeds' now. People recognize me once in a while and appreciate the work. It gets a little embarrassing but it's good. If you work as an accountant, you don't have people coming up to you in the streets saying, 'Hey, great job on tax statements!'
As a comedian, you're kind of like a blues musician; you have to live a little bit.
I have a severe addiction to 'Angry Birds.' I always tell myself, 'One more game...' But then there's always another and another and another.
I think people really appreciate clever commercials, as do I. I think they're very entertaining. You just have to wade through all the garbage. That's one of the reasons people watch the Super Bowl. A lot of them watch it to see the commercials and not the actual game.
It's tough getting older. You start falling apart, you know? My gums are starting to recede now. You can't tell tonight, though, 'cause I comb them forward.
It seems like all the sitcoms on now, the families are kind of dysfunctional.
As an actor, you're always reading scripts looking for something good.
Roxanne came along in '86, when I was doing a lot of stand-up. I auditioned for the movie, and of course I was a huge Steve Martin fan, so I really hoped I would get this part. I don't think there was any part in particular that I auditioned for. I just went in and talked with them. There were so many parts in there, and so many comedians ended up getting in that movie, playing different firemen and townspeople.
There's so many vegetarian foods now that are available at the market . The same with drive-throughs. Now, a lot of them serve veggie burgers just like the restaurants are doing. So, it's really very easy.
Workers insist that they are not disgruntled. They are very gruntled.
I think I sent out some résumés for marketing jobs, and they all came back in the mail because I didn't have enough postage.
The hardest thing about moving to California from Connecticut was just missing my family. If I went back, it would be just because I was homesick.
