Funny Marriage Quotes

If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.

It is best for ordinary men to have only one wife !

If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

Lust is the sin that gets me excited. Luckily, because I'm married, I also get really good jewelry out of it.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

Each marriage starts with two built-in handicaps. It involves two imperfect people.

There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third?' he replied 'One's absurd! and bigamy, sir, is a crime!'

We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities.

All tragedies are finished by a death, All comedies are ended by a marriage.

An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring... I ought to know.

The Equal Rights Amendment would "turn holy wedlock into holy deadlock."

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much... ...Monogamy ? It's the same.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

You have no idea of the women I didn't marry.

You kissed me like that when I was a blushing bride ...? I wonder what I was blushing about?

The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.

If Marilyn is in love with my husband it proves she has good taste, for I am in love with him too.

There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will.

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

When a man makes a woman his wife it's the highest compliment he can pay her – and usually it's the last.

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.