Norm MacDonald Quotes - Page 3

Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.

In love, first please the eye, then win the heart.

The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men.

If you're looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here's a clue: Look for the dead guy.

It is necessary to be tolerant, in order to be tolerated.

In love, we are best pleased when we please others.

In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers we daily escape.

They that are virtuous from principle may receive confidence in every capacity; but they that are so from custom or habit, are capable of trust only in matters of ordinary and settled occurrence.

If you desire praise or esteem, endeavor to merit it.

I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.

I'm not gay, so I don't know much about Broadway musicals.

Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at 'em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y'know. Three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways.

Your worst and most dangerous enemy is the person that injures you under the pretensions of friendship.

Imprudent restrictions often force youth farther than enticement would carry them; and careless limitation is frequently worse than no injunction.

During misfortunes, nothing aggravates our condition more, than to be esteemed deserving of them.

The joy a person is usually seen to express at the conversion of another to his opinion is seldom more than the impulse of egotistical satisfaction at being considered worthy of didactic imitation.

A man's enemies are those he should endeavor first to make his friends.

With the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another; but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose.

Education makes some men wiser, others more ridiculous and foolish!

I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.

This would have been a great game to watch if we didn't have any money on it.

A lot of writers come from Harvard and such, and are rich, and they write under the misapprehension that poor people are stupid. So when they do write them, they are hillbillies or rednecks or Christian idiots.

You ever hear guys with small cocks talk about sex? Can't talk about it enough. They even got poems. They'll say, 'It's not the motion of the ocean, it's the boat of the lotion.' I've even heard variants..., it's not the tree or the size, it's the axe that you wax.' It's a whole sub-genre of poetry now that's taught in many of our finer institutions.

We are happy at the respect others pay our favorites, because we consider it a lively confirmation of our own choice, and as so much homage reflected on ourselves.

After months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay.