It is true that all of the current presidential candidates once denied that they had any intention of running. But the fact that I am also a liar, doesn't make me a candidate.
I admit I do have some drawbacks and limitations as a candidate. Although I am a professional comedian, some of my critics maintain that this is not enough. I cannot deny that I stand before you untested and inexperienced - I only spent two years in television, never as a romantic lead or a song and dance man.
It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies.
In conclusion, you can see that there is a place for censors and we only wish that we could tell you where it is.
If you're old enough to be arrested, you're old enough to carry a gun.
Worrying about the future is a thing of the past. I don't think about it.
Will I obliterate national debt? Sure, why not?
A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you're walking down a street and you spot a moose?
We've got to step up our conservation efforts before it's too late. We're not protecting our lands and natural resources. Take the Grand Canyon for example; I'm sure that at one time it was a beautiful piece of land, and just look at the way we've let it go.
Marijuana should be licensed and kept out of the hands of teenagers. It's too good for them.
Many of you have asked why it's taken me so long to select a running mate. I have no intention of reaching into the political grab bag and grabbing any man to be my running mate. I'm going to reach in and grab a woman!
In opposition to sex education: Let the kids today learn it where we did - in the gutter.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself-and possibly teh bogey man.
I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan.
Why should old people get [Social Security]? They just sit around all day doing nothing.
Only a cheap politician, greedy for political gain, would try to single out one individual for blame. The fault lies not with the individual but with the system, and that system is Richard Nixon.
I don't need adult supervision.
You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check.
I want to caucus in Iowa. I'll caucus all over the state. I don't caucus in California. You don't caucus where you live. It doesn't look good.
The last few years of my life have been a little like a long ride in a Poop de Ville with the bottom down.
Presidents tend to tinker, you know, and mess everything up.
Yeah, I'm running for the White House again. Well, it's not a run, really; it's sort of a brisk walk.
Actually, my wine was served at the White House twice. Reagan must have been asleep when he ordered it.
Sex doesn't have to be taught. It's something most of us are born with.
I think we should just tip the government if it does a good job. Fifteen percent is the standard tip, isn't it?
