Phyllis Diller Quotes about Inspirational

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!