Phyllis Diller Quotes about Funny

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.

When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.

I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."