Phyllis Diller Quotes

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.