You’ve got to be crazy! It’s too late to be sane, too late. You’ve got to go full tilt bozo... ‘Cause you’re only given a little spark of madness... and if you lose that, you’re nothing
The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'
There's a world out there. Open a window, and it's there.
Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. Some get it as a graduation gift.
No man is an island; but some are peninsulas.
You're best when you're not in charge. The ego locks the muse.
They say our mothers really know how to push our buttons - because they installed them
Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say 'Stop, or I'll say stop again.'
Nobody takes a picture of something they want to forget.
You know what music is - a harmonic connection between all living beings.
Boys, you must strive to find your own voice, because the longer you wait to begin the less likely you are to find it at all.
Seize the day. Because, believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day going to stop breathing, turn cold, and die.
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
If you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? Carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.
Comedy is acting out optimism.
The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.
Decaf is like masturbating with an oven mitt!
Oh, no. To live... to live would be an awfully big adventure.
If I asked you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell.
Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's 5:00 in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."
Clouds are like boogers hanging on the nostrils of the moon.
I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.
