I stand upon my desk to remind myself that we must constantly look at things in a different way.
Anything that is not funny at a certain point will be funny.
When my friends and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.
Montovani? They play Montovani to insomniacs that don't respond to strong drugs
Taking Viagra after open heart surgery is like a Civil War re-enactment with live ammo. Not good.
Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.
Here's the best birth control in the whole world, if you really, if you have no pills, if you have no diaphragm, if you have no other form of contraception. Use it for ladies, if he comes at you with that little thing in his hand, just laugh at it. They can't deal with it, OK, it'll be gone.
Improv. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but when it does, it's like open-field running.
I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.
As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them.
Just now when I said, "I have a crush on you," you didn't say, "no way loser". I'd rather have a lobotomy by a leper. That means something
I don't practice anything. I spend time looking over ideas and then just get out and do it.
[when asked about what he was most thankful about]: Being alive. After heart surgery, you dig that part. Breath, family and friends are just amazing. Just to have a second shot is pretty great!
Explore an idea until you've exhausted it, really go to all the different parameters of it.
Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!
Freud: If it's not one thing, it's your mother
If heaven exists, to know that there's laughs, that would be a great thing.
His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.
I was in Iraq, Afghanistan, Djibouti, Bahrain. The first year I went pretty much by myself. Then I went with General [Richard] Myers, head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. The shows and audiences were amazing. You'll never get a better group of people.
Bicycles are pieces of art. You get that combination of kinetic engineering, but then, besides the welds, the paint jobs, the kind of the sculpture of it all is quite beautiful. Bikes have such great lines, and all different styles.
Look at airport security now. What started out as definite racial profiling is now where the computer picks a name. That's why you get a seven-month-old getting a pat down. [Imitates a security officer.] "Check the diapers. They're full."
Politics is so personal, vicious and immediate, how are you going to get anything done? Even the local politics where I live have gotten so ugly.
Compassionate conservative, that's like having a gun rack on a Volvo.
The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!
But if there's love, dear... those are the ties that bind, and you'll have a family in your heart, forever.
