Sam Levenson Quotes - Page 2

If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.

You can't start at the top.

Give your child a spanking once a day. If you don't know why, he does.

The whole world is watching America, and America is watching TV.

Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late.

The chaplain of the Senate does not pray for the Senate. He watches the Senate and prays for the country.

The longest word in the world is "a word from our sponsor."

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

When I was a boy I used to do what my father wanted. Now I have to do what my boy wants. My problem is: When am I going to do what I want?

If you want to kill time why not try working it to death.

Democracy means doing whatever you want without asking permission of anybody but your boss, your doctor, your lawyer, your landlord, your bank, your city, your state and federal authorities, and your wife and children.

Happiness is a by-product. You cannot pursue it by itself.

What we should have fought for was representation without taxation.

The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is called a grandparent.

I admit that: my wife is outspoken, but by whom?

You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please ignore this notice.

I'm gonna put all my money into taxes. They're sure to go up.

How wise are Thy commandments O Lord. Each one of them applies to somebody or other I know.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

A woman's place is in the home. Why should she go out and take away a workingman's pay instead of staying home and stealing out of his jacket like a good wife.

When I came home and showed my mother my report card with a mark of 98 in arithmetic, she wanted to know who had gotten the other two points.

There was an old Woman who lived in a shoe She had so many children Her government subsidy check came to $4,892.

Times don't change. Men do.

Any kid who has two parents who are interested in him and has a houseful of books isn't poor.

Any beast can cry over the misfortunes of its own child. It takes a mensch to weep for others' children.