Victoria Wood Quotes

I've never understood the point of ecstasy. I think if I wanted to get dehydrated and jump about with a load of people I've never met before I could go to a Methodist barn dance.

Last time I went Intercity there were a couple across the aisle having sex. Of course, this being a British train, nobody said anything. Then they finished, they both lit up a cigarette and this woman stood up and said, Excuse me, I think you'll find this is a non-smoking compartment.

I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don't know who got my moped, but I drove that Peugeot for years.

Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television.

Life's not fair, is it? Some of us drink champagne in the fast lane, and some of us eat our sandwiches by the loose chippings on the A597.

A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down - and a woman is designed to say, 'you took your time' when he comes back dripping wet.

I know I've got a degree. Why does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I've got a lifesaving certificate but I don't spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with my pyjamas on.

All my friends started getting boyfriends, but I didn't want a boyfriend, I wanted a thirteen-colour biro.

I can remember when pants were pants. You wore them for twenty years, then you cut them down for pan scrubs. Or quilts.

For years I was an undiagnosed anorexic, suffering from a little-known variant of the disease, where, freakishly, the appetite turns in on itself and demands more and more food, forcing the sufferer to gain several stones in weight and wear men's V-necked pullovers. My condition has stabilised now, but I can never stray too far from cocoa-based products and I keep a small cracknel-type candy in my brassiere at all times. Fortunately, I wear a 'D' cup so there is plenty of room for sweetmeats.

Of course I don't want to go to a cocktail party...If I wanted to stand around with a load of people I don't know eating bits of cold toast I can get caught shoplifting and go to Holloway [women's prison].

You know daytime television? You know what it's supposed to be for? It's to keep unemployed people happy. It's supposed to stop them running to the social security demanding mad luxuries like cookers and windows.

On a train, why do I always end up sitting next to the woman who's eating the individual fruit pie by sucking the filling out through the hole in the middle?

Sexual harassment at work... is it a problem for the self-employed?

In Russia, show the least athletic aptitude and they've got you dangling off the parallel bars with a leotard full of hormones.

Music is an element that should be part and parcel of every child's life via the education system.

I haven't got a waist. I've just got a sort of place ... a bit like an unmarked level crossing.

I have stayed true to that first idea that people can have a day in their lives that is very important and if they can reconnect with that day, reconnect with the people they were then, they can suddenly revive their emotions.

If God had meant them to be lifted and separated, He would have put one on each shoulder.

If God had meant men to have children, he would have given them a PVC apron.

Everyone I meet is gay, married or crackers

I sometimes think that being widowed is God's way of telling you to come off the Pill.

I wouldn't kidnap a man for sex - I'm not saying I couldn't use someone to oil the mower.

I like writing a lot more than I used to. I used to find it scary but now I've got used to it once it gets going. I used to find it hard to start. Fear of the blank page. The first thing you write down won't bear any relation to what's in your head and that's always disappointing.

Music enriches people's lives in the same way paintings and literature do. Everybody deserves that.