I remember once I went to go see a movie, and in front of me in line there was a little boy who looked so eager to see it, like it was Christmas morning. When he got to the ticket booth it turned out there was only one ticket left; the manager was there and wanted to give it to me instead since I was famous. That's when I knew I'd hit it big.
Didn't we learn our lesson from Planet of the Apes?
Gay men in L.A. are all a bunch of tens looking for an eleven.
I never go easy on kids when I play board games. The sooner they learn what the consequence of entering a competition is, the better. If they win, I punch them in the face like any adult.
I'd really like to give back to the world, but everything I've achieved, I've earned on my own, so what's the point?
When you win your first Grammy, it's true, you really want to thank all the little people.
If God wanted women to be treated equally to men, he'd have given them penises.
I've always tried to learn from the greats: Orson Welles, Humphrey Bogart, Ghandi, Buddha, Jesus... it's just that there's this tremendous pressure to correct all the things they got wrong.
The only real difference between hookers, stippers, sluts and regualar women how many times you can hit them before they cry. Hookers can really take a punch, I'll tell you that much.
The problem with doing commercials is that the only thing good enough for me to sell is myself, and I stopped doing that once I kicked my coke habit.
It's hard for me not to be extraordinarily cute. I had to fight it.
Turning water to wine? I mean c'mon, that's stupid. They should have let me write the bible.
I always encourage over-tipping if you can afford it because share the wealth.
I love signing autographs! Sometimes, when people ask me for one, I keep the photo for myself and frame it. It's a Win-Win situation really; I get an extra 25 dollars in my pocket AND another portrait for my bedroom.
It raises several serious questions. For example, how can there possibly be more than one person as awesome as me?
Bigger than the Beatles? Well, how many grammys did they win? Exactly, none, yet I have one, and I've never even released a CD.
I love the holiday season, almost as much as I love touching myself in front of orphans.
I'm grown ass man and grown ass men can do whatever they want, got it?
I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs.
If you're dumb enough to volunteer for the army, I don't see why we're supposed to feel so bad when you get shot. I'm not saying we should throw a party or anything, but is it such a tragedy? If I'd gotten shot before I made 'Garden State', yeah, that's a tragedy, but some red-state hick getting his legs blown off? Come on.
A child's death is really of less value than an adult's. I mean, what could you really accomplish in a year? Not much, and that's not even talking about, you know, pay-wise.
I'm pretty sure Africa was made up by the media to scare people. I mean, I've never seen it. Have you? I didn't think so.
I'd like to think that my scripts are more significant than maybe the Bible or the book that the Jews use, whatever it's called. And that's only when I'm having an off day.
So for front-runners we have a black and a woman. It's like being made to choose between syphilis or having and old man crap on your face. I would do the country a favor and run myself but I couldn't deprive Hollywood of me for 4 years.
Well, I'm not saying that America is a bad place or anything. I just think 9/11 needed to happen sooner or later.
