Zach Galifianakis Quotes - Page 4

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.

I think comedy does have that powerful thing that doesn't seem too preachy because you're also making people laugh, so it's really kind of a good tool for messaging.

I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny.

I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese.

Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person.

I don't want my personal life to change. I don't understand why people strive for fame. I know it's ironic for me to be saying this, but this will be the last one I do.

I don't like cursing in movies. I feel like cursing has become the new hackiness. You try to find substitutions for cursing.

I think comedy is a really, really good tool for trying to say something.

You're not supposed to be accepting trophies. You're supposed to be in the back being mad that people are getting trophies.

The whole thing about working in front of the camera is to make people laugh when they're not supposed to.

When I do stand-up for a long time, I'll get burned out, then I'll get an acting gig. For me, the grass is always greener. I'd like to do a mixture of all of it. My goal is just to do small movies that I've written. That's what I'm trying to do now, just write smaller movies.

We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the "Girlfriend in a Coma" is, like, really funny.

There's more to life than being an actor in a Hollywood movie. I'm not going to adapt my life after that existence, where a lot of people do. And they get the publicist, and they get all that stuff, and it becomes them. I think it's a stupid way to live your life. A really dumb way to live your life.

I'm not cynical when it comes to things that are important. I'm cynical about pop culture and all that horseshit.

My comfort zone is press conferences.

I'm terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me. I'm a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon. There's nothing you can do except make light of it.

Privacy is big for me. To do interviews even, I have a very love/hate with it.

I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."

I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal.

I don't want to do an edgy show, I didn't want bad language. I think edginess is the new hackiness.

My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don't really do a character thing in stand-up. It's just a bunch of sentences that are supposed to be funny.

Reciting lines is hard; making stuff up is much, much easier.

If you see something, say something.

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

I love playing a curmudgeon. I just love playing a sour guy.