Zach Galifianakis Quotes - Page 2

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

I've always wanted to have a Greek sitcom called Olive Lucy.

I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers.

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

You write things that are of interest to you. There's no focus group.

I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.

Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there.

A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

I wish I could sit back and say, 'Oh, I'm gonna wait for a Merchant-Ivory film to come my way. Or Ivory-Merchant. Whatever it's called. But you just take what's given and then, hopefully, down the road you can be more choosy and only do, say, Wayans brothers movies. That's my goal: to be more Merchant-Ivory-Wayans.

I'm the most mellow person offstage. I think it's just, going onstage lets me get out some frustration that I'm too shy to do in real life. Instead of doing it in private, I'd rather do it in front of 1,000 people who've paid $25 to see me lose my mind.

I don't really have a pattern yet. I don't know if I'll develop one. As far as comedic integrity, I don't have integrity in general, comedic or otherwise.

It's not good for comedy to be like, 'Thanks for liking me'. Being popular is poison.

I have never been much of a groomer. I take baths a lot, but I don't wear deodorant. I don't have to. I have a miraculous body scent. I've had women smell me and say that should be bottled. I would advise guys to lay off the Drakkar, because the cavemen weren't wearing it. They might have been putting mint leaves on their balls, but your scent is grown naturally. I have really good dating advice.

I do whatever comes my way. But I get burned out on stage. It's a lonely world. I think part of the romanticism about being on the road is you get to meet a lot of - my mom once told me, "You've probably got a woman at every port." Like I'm a pirate. Obviously she doesn't know her son that well.

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

I call my balls the bush twins.

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

I watch a happy person doing stand-up, and I go, "What the hell is this? This person's happy!" You need internal conflict. You need the guy to be out of step with society. It's a tool for comedy.

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'