This Ted Cruz guy, I mean, he incurred the wrath, really, of his own party. They don't like him. Democrats hate him. Independents hate him. Republicans hate him. Even Miley Cyrus, he's the one guy she refuses to lick.
Officials believe that one of the terrorists was a woman. And there are female suicide bombers. It's just that their reward in paradise is a little different. Instead of getting 72 virgins, they get 72 guys who just listen.
This is America. We don't call an election before we know who won. That, after all, is the job of the Supreme Court.
For the first time since 1979, we are talking to the Islamic Republic of Iran. Obama says talking to him is probably pointless, but it's a hell of a relief from Mitch McConnell.
Meat is dirty. I wouldn't touch a hot dog without a condom on it
On the show, I do a very serious thing. And a lot of people have a hard time reconciling that with what I'm going to do after the show. They can't get it into their heads: "How can he be talking to Madeleine Albright one minute and then somebody half his age...." They're just jealous. But I never made any bones about it. I am a player. Always have been.
Also, in the category of 'obvious but still shocking,' an animal called a 'killer whale' killed someone who was trying to play with it. Now, no one knows exactly what enraged the whale, but earlier in the week, it had been thrown off a flight by Southwest Airlines.
The Republicans proved they are not the party of 'no.' They're the party of 'f**k, no!'
What is "martinizing" and why does it only take one hour?
I'm a pessimist by nature. A pot head, but a pessimist.
I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country.
I kid Fox News, but they may be a little biased. We had an earthquake here on Monday, and they reported that 'the earth's crust was emboldened by Obama's weakness.'
Catholicism has changed tremendously in recent years. Now when Communion is served there is also a salad bar.
Rick Santorum beat Mitt Romney in three states on Tuesday. Got a huge amount of fundraising. That's the good news for Rick Santorum. The bad news: people are now Googling 'Santorum.'
It's a little strange when you have never been to war, and you eye-roll about a guy who's got shrapnel still in his body, as Chuck Hagel does.
Death is the monster we all fear, yet with each day, we walk toward it, and can't help doing so; we can't help but walk toward the one thing we're most trying to avoid.
[George W. Bush] has balls. And he's a leader. Unfortunately his balls and leadership are in the service of shitty ideas. We need his balls on someone who thinks right.
John McCain, who once called Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson 'forces of evil', has now come out for teaching intelligent design. That is sad, when smart people have to pretend to be so dumb to get elected.
I believe in God, I just give him more credit than being a single parent and an author.
Eric Holder, our attorney general, says the Mr. Snowden will be brought to justice. Just as soon as we can find someone who can track his calls and read his emails.
I want to just take a moment to thank the Teabaggers. Thank you so much for helping us pass health care, for resurrecting the Obama presidency. I know they're saying, 'Why are you thanking me? I was so against it, I marched on Washington with tea bags hanging off my Founding Fathers costume, with a gun on my hip and a picture of Obama dressed as Hitler, screaming about his birth certificate.' And America saw that and said, 'I think I'll go with the calm black man.'
There are only three ways a congressman goes out: They die in office, they cash in as a lobbyist, or they mistakenly tweet a picture of their d*ck.
Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week: 'Are you better off than you were four wives ago?'
We learned this week that Mitt Romney is building a car elevator in his house. An elevator for your cars. I get the feeling this guy wants to be president so he has a place to live while he's remodeling his beach house. ... I'm not worried that this guy is out of touch. I'm worried he's Batman. I could see Mitt as Batman. He hears about a robbery, he changes into the magic underwear, he rushes to the crime scene, and he helps the crooks manage their new money.
I just don't think a lot of Republicans like it when single women have sex.
