Bob Monkhouse Quotes about Funny

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.

What do gardeners do when they retire?

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

I got my start in silent radio.

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!