Craig Ferguson Quotes - Page 8

Time is only linear for engineers and referees.

Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office... You mean the one on the sofa?

Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by sleigh. He doesn't use tracking numbers and doesn't use trucks. He just uses midgets and a giant bag.

Sarah Palin. Remember Sarah Palin? She is adorable. She is back on the campaign trail. Really. She's going to campaign in the Senate runoff in Georgia. As soon as she finds out where Georgia is.

Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer.

Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell said recently that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they're doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. And I thought, 'Have fun in Congress then.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

I'm hooked on email. That's right, kids, I'm one of you.

According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They've been reading my email.

I realized women and humor were linked very closely.

The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know - things and stuff.

Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat. Fried food and cigarettes.

In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.

Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there's no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.

A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.

What we do have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the Shawshank Redemption of late night!

I know that's not the right accent, but I can't do the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

Betty White met with President Obama at the White House. President Obama invited Betty personally because she's great with animals. And the president's still having a tough time house-training Joe Biden.

It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television.

Stoners just got a powerful new ally in the fight to legalize marijuana - conservative broadcaster Pat Robertson. He said it's time to 'you know, legalize it, tax it, and keep it away from Mel Gibson.'

I'm a terrible interviewer. I'm not a journalist - although I have a Peabody Award - and I'm not really a late-night host. What I am is honest.

I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing me.

If you know anything about me - and, if you do, I'm sorry that your life turned out like that.

A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself.