Craig Ferguson Quotes

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.

If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.

...slow down and self-edit and ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything: "Does this need to be said?" "Does this need to be said by me?" "Does this need to be said by me now?"

Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox.

....maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.

Tomorrow is your future's yesterday.

There's something I believe wholeheartedly: Cynicism is the true refuge of the pseudo-intellectual, .. Cynicism is easy. Joy is an extremely advanced spiritual and intellectual tenet.

Evil does not question itself. Only Hope questions itself.

Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.

Laughter separates us from despair and gives us a chance at love.

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.

Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.

Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.

Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane.

I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, 'Well, you're supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.' It's an appropriate feeling to feel.

Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.

I'm so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.

I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!

A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I'm not going to do anything. I'm going as Congress.

The queen banishes Snow White because of her beauty. But the dwarves help Snow White because they're smitten by that very beauty. It teaches kids an important lesson: Nothing matters except for your looks.