America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.
They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.
Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.
You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.
Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.
Don't use your bedroom for work, unless you're a prostitute.
I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.
The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.
You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs.
I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.
A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn't that golf?
You'll never catch a nudist with his pants down.
The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.
The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.
People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.
Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China.
I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.
Weak coffee is the greatest sin against humanity.
There is no off position on the genius switch.
Love: You can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun.
I wish the iPhone people would design one that's black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it.
