Craig Ferguson Quotes - Page 9

The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie Argo. They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can't do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie Shrek.

A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn't figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas.

The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.

According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.

You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.

My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and ... go at them.

Well, everyone, welcome to Shark Week. Oh that's on CBS and there's been a lot of cutbacks, so it's just Friday night for a couple of minutes. And we don't have any sharks, just an immigrant with a puppet. Hey, but it's a start!

The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.

Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims.

I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.

I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.

When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.

There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.

I do a public access show with puppets. Puppets called actors, TV and movie stars.

Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera doesn't it?

I'm always a bit shy around evil people.

A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was strudel.

The Universe is very, very big. It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules. Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever. Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever.

Congratulations to the NBA champion Boston Celtics - they beat the Los Angeles Lakers by 39 points. Or as Hillary Clinton would say, "Too close to call.

The virus in the movie 'Contagion' is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I'm talking about President Obama.

If you don't vote, you're a moron.

Scotland is a much lighter and more fun place than I thought it was. I was miserable when I was there. But it wasn't Scotland's fault. It was my circumstances. I was - I hate to say the word humbled - but that's what it felt like. I was wrong about this place. This is a great place full of very fun people.

The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It's camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it.

That's the thing about terrorism - it works. Especially for the terrorists - they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.