Dane Cook Quotes - Page 6

I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny.

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.

My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He's in jail now.

I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.

I work with a lot of kids. Every year, for the past fifteen years, I work at Comedy Camp where I work with a lot of kids.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst... when you think you're drowning.

The problem with dating a model is they won't go out with you if your cars color doesn't match their outfit.

I've lived (in LA) for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't anymore.

I feel like people who don't brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they're hiding something more even exciting.

Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they'll rebel and make the right ones.

When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.

It's hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they'd kill you if they had the chance.

This is a dream come true. HBO is the highest echelon in the world for a stand-up comedian to attain. Throughout my career I've trusted my instincts to lead me down the right path, and I am honored to work together with this network while contributing to the legacy that is HBO.

Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips.

I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do.

Quote/Unquote and you can quote me on the quote/unquote.

Ma'am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?

Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.

I'm willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it's a little thing called Chupacabra.

I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden - boom - you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.

You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.