If you take a negative, turn it inside out, it's still a negative. You're just revealing the ugly inside of negative so I say keep it as is.
I'm a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.
You can't teach an old hater new truths.
When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.
When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter.
Every great thing starts with an idea, followed by a doubt and finally a resolve to abandon or pursue. Victory is a treacherous journey.
Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.
I'm really great in other peoples relationships.
I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.
It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.
Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.
I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.
If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you've lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.
I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.
I'm not racist, I've got a black president.
Any guy that refers to dating women as the hunt or being on the prowl should be evaluated for a number of conditions.
True love is when you're cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!
I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.
I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.
Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.
I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and learning.
I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.
When I have a really hot date at a show, I definitely make it a point to use her name. The girls really love that.
I'm focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more.
