Dane Cook Quotes - Page 8

I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.

There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes.

They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.

When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion.

I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.

You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.

I would love to have acidy spit.

I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.

It really drives me banana sangwich.

Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.

You know what I'd like to be able to do more than anything else? I'd love to be able to shoot spaghetti out of my fingertips. Pppptthhh! Cause no one wants to be covered in spaghetti. No. If I'm on a date with a girl and she's very rude, I'd be like, You know what? Pppptthhh! Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very rude. Enjoy your spaghetti, cause you're rude. Pppptthhh!

Are there glass shards in my anus?!

Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass I'm your son from the future! Ahaha!

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

There will be a guy in a yellow poncho, his name is Hank, he will take you to the whopper lair.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

I always wanted to do a B&E. Not bacon and eggs. Although I could always go for bacon and eggs. I'm talking about breaking in and entering.

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there.

It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.

Why do bad guys in movies always love to whistle really slowly?

I'm not giving up on life. I'm giving up on today.