Les Dawson Quotes

I was sat at the bottom of the garden a week ago, smoking a reflective cheroot, thinking about this and that - mostly that, and I just happened to glance at the night sky and I marvelled at the millions of stars glistening like pieces of quicksilver thrown carelessly onto black velvet. In awe I watched the waxen moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an amber chariot towards the void of infinite space wherein the tethered bolts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever in their orbital majesty; and as I looked at all this, I thought, 'I must put a roof on this lavatory.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'

There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'

The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.

The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.

My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.

Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'

Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.

A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.