Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.