Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.

If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, 'Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.'

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.

You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?

I was the best man at the wedding... If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in ourselves.