Emo Philips Quotes - Page 3

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

I'm very religious, you know. Now, OK, if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday, read the bible faithfully, and I listen to Debbie Boone, umm, I'm not religious in that sense... But if by 'religious' you mean that I love others and try to help them whenever possible... Again, no. But if by 'religious' you mean that I like to eat coleslaw... Yeah, OK, OK!

Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.