Emo Philips Quotes - Page 2

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

What is eternity? You're on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They are all old. They all have two carts and coupons for every item. They are all paying by check. None of them have ID. It's the checkout girl's first day on the job. She doesn't speak any English. Take away fifteen minutes from that, and you begin to get an idea of what eternity is.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.