I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.
I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
