The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.
I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.
As you may or may not know, in keeping with the high-class tone of Beverly Hills, our police force is probably the most snobbish group of gendarmes in the world. It is said that the Beverly Hills Police Department is so fancy that it has an unlisted number.
I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.
Gags die, humor doesn't.
I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.
I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.
I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me.
The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!
How do I get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. Practice. Practice.
When you talk about the world's greatest entertainer you have to say Al Jolson because there was no one like him. Only Judy Garland and perhaps Frank Sinatra got anywhere near him!
I'm happy to be making my first appearance on air professionally. By that I mean I'm finally getting paid, which I know will be a great relief to my creditors.
Try saving when your salary is low. So after making more money, you will not be able to do this anywhere
Bill Paley is not only the greatest boss I ever had, but he's the most brilliant, honest and warm human being I've ever met. And I'll say that to his face - even if it costs me my job.
