I go running when I have to. When the ice cream truck is doing sixty.
My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.
My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.
I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds.
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?
The only way to really have safe sex is to abstain. From drinking.
I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.
I just got my first bikini. It's a three-piece: a top, a botton, and a blindfold for you.
Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.
I think there have always been funny women, from Carol Burnett to Joan Rivers. When the audience sees a woman, they innately know she's worked twice as hard to get there, she's had to prove that she can be the leader, first, and then be funny on top of it. She has to emit a confidence that she's in control.
I don't like to channel surf. You guys like it, don't you. You guys like to change the channel. We like to change you.
I get my sense of humor from my parents. That's why they don't have one anymore.
In addition to comedy, I'm a writer. I write checks. They're not very good.
I've been pitching a show of five female stand-up comedians through the generations, from Phyllis Diller to Amy Schumer, so when I got an e-mail asking me if I would participate in the Women in Comedy Festival, I was thrilled.
I took an acting class. After the first day, the teacher quit, so they said take another. When I saw 'How to be a Stand-up Comedian,' it resonated. I realized I'd rather make 200 people laugh than make one person cry.
I don't think I was funny until college. I lived with some Harvard MD/PhD students - they were so smart, and what I contributed to the house was, I was the funny one.
People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them....well it's killing me!
